free

i always wanted to help people., and yesterday i had my chance to help in a small way but to me it was huge,
a television program was doing a piece about  divorces where parents fight,
in holland we call it fighting divorces,
so i tweeted my feelings cause ive been through it myself,
and they asked me if they could call, i told then yes sure.,
and they called and i truly wanted to do it..i wanted to be on air telling my story to help out ,
but then i got to thinking about my father. and the man that he is.

this man is a truly scary man.
when i was little he made many threats to my mother and me.,
he was not a nice man.,
he always told my mother if she did not listen he would take me and she would never she me again,

i heard that..and i got scared..and till this day i am 28 and still scared ,

cause there is no telling what this man will do.,

so i told that lady that im sorry and i talked to my mother and it was still not safe for me and my mother to tell our story in public,

and that is also why my face is not shown on this blog,
and i hope you will understand that i dont show my face at this blog or twitter cause of my safety and my mothers safety,
cause this man..who is supost to be my father is a man that you can never tell what he is gonna do,

and im not willing to risk anyones life to do that,
but i wanna tell my story anyways, so that is why you can not see my face,

someday i will let everyone see who i am,
but until that day i will remane anonymous in a way,

cause eventho i am free...somehow i am not free..
i am free to walk where ever i want to go where ever i want,
but to speak freely about my past..is not save for me to do,
that is why i made a choice to stay anonymous for a while,

until its safe for me and my mother,
i felt sooo damn bad and i cried my eyes out when i realized that i was not totally free, 

i denied it most of the time..but this television thing made me realize that after so many years of abuse and threats and violence there is still no safe place to talk about what happend,

i could not hold my tears...i am crying all day long..

for the freedom  ..i have but the freedom i dont have.

-Nadia-

freedom is precious

freedom of speech is fragile and unsave at times.