3 years

i haven spoken to my fathers side of the family in like...well more then 10 years..and i havent spoken to my mothers side of the family in 3 years.
i thought they just left us...i thought they abandoned us.

and both side of the family's kinda did.
even if they do not wanna acknowledge it.
3 years i havent spoken to my moms side of the family until...........
Wednesday the 22th of may , i have gotten a text that said.
that my grandmother has had a mild heart attack,

and later that evening my grandmother called me,
and my heart was in my throat..and it was beating so fast.,
cause i havent spoken to this woman for 3 years,
after she did not even call to check how her own daughter ( my mother was doing)
my mom was really sick on my grandmother's birthday 3 years ago,
my mom was and still is in pain ( she has rheumatoid arthritis) and she is in constant pain) so she told my grandmother she was going home.
and i went with my mom to make sure she would get home safe,
my grandmother apparently was pretty pissed off by the fact we did not stay,

my mom said sorry and we left,
NOBODY CALLED TO CHECK HOW SHE WAS DOING NOBODY,
and now they wanna be in contact with us......im confused,
it pissed me off that my grandmother did not even bother to call.
not that day not the day after and not even a week or month after.
we did not hear a thing..
my mom tried to call after 2 weeks ,and she ingnored all of my mothers calls,
and then i called and i got the whole between the line threatment,
talk like this and ment something else..( like forcing you to do what she wants in a sweet granny voice)
and she talked me into a Guilt trip,

and that confused me more then ever.
ook i love my grandmother but i do not want to  be treated as garbage.
and i will not let my mother be treated as garbage also.,
my mother has been treated badly in her youth by her mom and dad,
mostly her mom ,
but my mom chose to forgive and move on, so she did.
all my mom wanted from my grandmother was respect and recognition,
stuff i know now she will never get, like me i want the same things from my dad, 

but like i said somewhere in my heart there is a little piece of me that still loves my grandmother, but the most part has faded,
all i wanted was for my mother to be respected and not to be threated like shit,..and in the end that is what she got shit..!!! and i really wish that was not the care,
my aunts said let it go,
but they will never know the pain my mom and my feel from the things we have been through and the pain we feel of our own blood not making it any easier on us,
all we wanted was love ., and respect ,family,

no we did not want the perfect family, but we wanted to belong,
and instead of belonging to a family we where torn apart by a stubborn woman that does not wanna admit she did wrong ,
me and my mother are not perfect.,but we will NEVER EVER  ignore our mistakes or our flaws,
if someone got hurt by our words we  admit it and appologize,
if someone got hurt by our actions we admit it and again appologize,
we threat people how we wanted to to be threated,
and yes we are still learning, cause we are far from perfect,/
and we will never be, but at least we try to threat people with dignity and respect,

me and my mom have been threated like shit,
we have been through hell and back,
we are still struggling to survive everyday.
im truly sorry for the fact the grandma is not doing well.
and  i truly do not want her to suffer,
but to my family...where were you when we needed you,
and do not come with that ..we thought you did not want contact excuse,
you know beter than that,
when i was little and my dad made my mom and my life hell.
where where you...and dont come with that excuse that she or i pushed ya'll away..there are enough family's that stick together eventho that man does not want it,
yes my father was the one that isolated us ,
we needed help...we needed ya'll...but ya'll where to be found,
but ya'll where having fun on campings and amusement parks,
and me and my mom where living in hell.

so sorry if for once my mom and i are only thinking about ourselfs,

somewhere in our hearts we still love them,
but its time to move on..after all that has been said and done,
we as a family can not be together cause yes we have love..but there is more hate and resentment.
do not think we do not care ..we do..but to be honest when we where down where were ya'll

when i was little my mom almost died.
and nobody was there....nobody..just my asshole dad.
and this man left an 6 year old alone all day long..
and nobody was there..

so again im sorry for what happend with grandma.
and i want her to  live a lonngggg time..and enjoy life,
and we are truly worried...but after 3 years what do ya'll want from us.

we have moved on.

free

i always wanted to help people., and yesterday i had my chance to help in a small way but to me it was huge,
a television program was doing a piece about  divorces where parents fight,
in holland we call it fighting divorces,
so i tweeted my feelings cause ive been through it myself,
and they asked me if they could call, i told then yes sure.,
and they called and i truly wanted to do it..i wanted to be on air telling my story to help out ,
but then i got to thinking about my father. and the man that he is.

this man is a truly scary man.
when i was little he made many threats to my mother and me.,
he was not a nice man.,
he always told my mother if she did not listen he would take me and she would never she me again,

i heard that..and i got scared..and till this day i am 28 and still scared ,

cause there is no telling what this man will do.,

so i told that lady that im sorry and i talked to my mother and it was still not safe for me and my mother to tell our story in public,

and that is also why my face is not shown on this blog,
and i hope you will understand that i dont show my face at this blog or twitter cause of my safety and my mothers safety,
cause this man..who is supost to be my father is a man that you can never tell what he is gonna do,

and im not willing to risk anyones life to do that,
but i wanna tell my story anyways, so that is why you can not see my face,

someday i will let everyone see who i am,
but until that day i will remane anonymous in a way,

cause eventho i am free...somehow i am not free..
i am free to walk where ever i want to go where ever i want,
but to speak freely about my past..is not save for me to do,
that is why i made a choice to stay anonymous for a while,

until its safe for me and my mother,
i felt sooo damn bad and i cried my eyes out when i realized that i was not totally free, 

i denied it most of the time..but this television thing made me realize that after so many years of abuse and threats and violence there is still no safe place to talk about what happend,

i could not hold my tears...i am crying all day long..

for the freedom  ..i have but the freedom i dont have.

-Nadia-

freedom is precious

freedom of speech is fragile and unsave at times.

when i grew up !

when i grew up it was hard, ive been through hell ,
ive seen things a kid my age should not have seen,
and ive been through stuff a kid should not have been going through,
its hard to even think about that, its hard to explain,

kids used to bully me because i was diffrent.
my school in holland was not a great place to be.
thank god i had one close friend ( she is still to this day my bff)
 but the kids where cruel,
some kids told me to go move back to africa, or where ever you came from.
if you look at me , you can tell i am not 100% dutch,
but i do not look dark either, and me looking diffrent made it harder i was a target to some, 
but as i grew older i got peace with the mixed person i am.
i am neither this or that, i told myself when i was little after the bullying, 

I AM BEAUTIFUL…I  AM DIFFRENT..I AM GIRL OF THE WORLD.
  PROUD TO BE MIXED AND DIFFRENT,

but it took me a while to get there and stay at there,

so my dad was not from holland he was the foreigner,
my mom was born in holland, and my parents did not stay together,
they got into so many fights, My father beat me and mother and me regularly , 
you must think why can i say this so easy now.
cause i no longer want this man to controle my life.
he has done so many bad things, he and his brother done so many bad things to others and me and my mother,

there are things that are still hard to tell, 
but as soon as i am ready i will tell my hardest lifestory ever,
but some lifestory’s are easier said then others,
if you have been through so much..you can understand that some lifestory’s are harder to tell then others,
cause it feels like some have a big 100,000,000 km stone on your back,
and you can stand up cause it weighs so much.

and other lifestory’s are easier to tell, 
cause you got to a place of peace,
and you are done with giving that negativity to much power,

and i am at that place where i am done with giving the negativity to much power ,
and im done holding my mouth shut so others that hurt me dont feel hurt or shame.
im done with protecting other people’s feelings and im opening my mouth and telling it like i see it,
cause believe me…i had enough people in my life ( that are not longer a part of my life ) that walked all over me,
and when i wanted to give my opinion they shot me down,

im done with that….2 years ago it was like i was struck by lightning,
i openend my mouth and finally did not let anyone walk over me.

how did that end up..not good.
but i rather be alone then have 100000 of backstabbers in my life,
yeah i know that sounds so sad,

but thank god ive got great true friends and sisters and mother in my life,
the rest of my family of both sides i do not speak to..why??
well im gonna tell you that later,

i gotta go..

ill be back..

thanks for stopping by

-Nadiaah-

freedom ( remember the fallen)

FREEDOM

AND IN HONOR OF EVERYONE IN WORLD WAR 2 AND AFTER..THAT FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM..
WE CELEBRATE FREEDOM..
YESTERDAY WE REMEMBERD THE FALLEN AND NOW THE 5TH OF MAY WE CELEBRATE FREEDOM..
DO NOT TAKE FREEDOM FOR GRANTED , FREEDOM IS FRAGILE,
AND THE SOME PEOPLE LIVING IN A FREE WORLD...DO NOT UNDERSTAND...HOW LUCKY WE ARE TO BE FREE.,
CAUSE BACK IN THOSE DAY NOBODY WAS FREE.
AND SADLY TILL THIS DAY THERE ARE STILL COUNTRY'S IN WAR..AND ALOT OF INNOCENT PEOPLE ARE LIVING IN IMPRISONED WORLD.

SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE FREEDOM FOR GRANTED ,
AND PLEASE RESPECT ONE ANOTHER...
YOU DONT HAVE TO BE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE OR HAVE THEM OVER FOR COFFEE.
BUT RESPECT ONE ANOTHER.,
NO MATTER WHAT RELIGION OF RACE YOU ARE OR WHAT AGE..,
HATE IS A STRONG WORD, DONT THROW THAT AROUND QUICK.

OFF COURCE YOU CAN HATE SOMEONE THAT HAS HURT YOU.,
BUT DO NOT ..PLEASE DO NOT..DO THEM HARM.,
KEEP THE HONOR TO YOURSELF AND SHOW THEM YOU ARE ABOVE THEIR HATEFULL BEHAVIOR,

RESPECT YOURSELF , RESPECT FREEDOM..
I KNOW ITS SOUNDS CORNY AND EASIER SAID THEN DONE..BUT LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY '''I AM STILL LEARNING TO'' SO I KNOW ITS NOT EASY.

BUT I CHOOSE TO NOT GIVE INTO HATEFULL PEOPLE AND HATE ITSELF.
I WANT MY FREEDOM..
AND HATING SOMEONE IS NORMAL.., BUT DO NOT GIVE IN AND DO SOMETHING STUPID.,
CAUSE THATS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AND FREEDOM.


FREEDOM IS YOURS , FREEDOM IS OURS.
 CHERISH IT..



-NADIA-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEYSHA

today is not only the day we in the netherlands celebrate freedom..
but its also my 1st niece her birthday.
im a soo sad i cannot be there..i reallly wanted to be there,
but im gonna try be there as soon as i can.
but anyway..i wanted to post a birthday message here , i know she just turned 2 and cannot read this or understand what i am doing here, but someday she will be older and can understand,
so i want her to see that she is loved , and i wanted to let her know i am proud to be her aunt.
she is my first niece..
so she turned 2 today..and i wanted to be there, but i couldn't, because of some circumstances,
and i am truly sad that i cannot be there to share this day ,
but anyways..to make long story short.
jessy is you read this sister i am proud of you..
and to my niece auntie nadia loves you..

 
 HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABYGIRL..

FREEDOM

The 4th and 5th of may we in the Netherlands and other country's remember world war 2.,
we remember the people that have died and we remember the the resistance that fought for freedom and we remember the soldiers that have fought for freedom, and we remember the allies also fighting for freedom.,
for our freedom,
a freedom alot of us take for granted many times.,
we think freedom is just given free to us, but freedom had a has a high price,
we as free humans do not stand still and think enough of the fact that the freedom we live in is fragile,
we do not realize enough that people died fighting for us..and we do not realize a hatefull man wanted a race completely wiped out!

we need to realize more that people have died  of hate, and people have died trying to free us.
from the opressors,
we need to be more thankfull that we can at least stand here on the street and be free to say what we want,
we are free to use freedom of speech.
we are free to marry who we want, we are free to stand where we want, do what we want,
just because the people the freedom fighter ( i call them) have saved us ,
but sadly alot of people have died.
and with this piece on my  blog i wanna remember all of the people that have died trying to save a imprisoned world, and trying to save all of the innocent lives imprisoned in hell,

i cannot ever understand what it felt like to live in a world like this,
and i cannot ever understand how it felt to be held captive  by the opressors and suffering in camps and being killed just because of your race,
but i try to understand.. and i always try to show my respects , by remembering , and passing it on to the next generation, cause it is clear to see , that the next generation is forgeting,
some are forgeting what happend in our past,
how many innocent people died in world war 2,
and how many innocent people still to this day die , just because there is someone that want power,or has lots of hate,

i feel so bad when i hear it on the news how many innocent people have died in a war , that has started because of hate or greed, and power trip,
this was an issue in world war 2..and  apparently it still is..and it always will be.,
and that makes me so sad.,
im thinking has the past taught us nothing,

but anyway what i wanted to do with this piece is..show my respects to the innocent people that have died during world war 2., and i wanna show my respects to the people in world war 2 that have fough bravely to rescue the people in so many country's. thank u freedomfighters,
 i will always remember and i will pass it on to the next generation.
cause that is my mission, freedom is not something that we should take for granted,
freedom is fragile , freedom is beautiful, freedom is you...is me ..is ..us

but i also wanna show my respects to all of the innocent people that have died after world war 2..
 in wars till now ,
and i wanna condole the family's with their loss, back then and now.,
i wanna let the innocent know the world cares..we do care..
there are people that care..and we are here...you are not forgotten,

           YOU ARE NOT FORGOTTEN!!!  YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN
                                       WE ARE HERE !!!



-NADIA-

Happy Birthday

i wanna take this time to say happy birthday to my mommy :)
yes i am a mama's girl..and i dont give a f*ck what anyone says.
my mother was and still is my mom and dad at the same time.
she is my hero..my inspiration, she is my rock. my mother and best friend.
 mama i love you and i hope you realize how much you mean to me,
i respect and love you so much.
i think you are a strong beautiful woman,
you and me have been though hell and back..we have been through so much bad sh*t.
i wish and hope you get whatever you wish for.,
i want you to be happy and make live your dreams.
cause you are talented , and funny. and strong, and one of the reallest ladies i know,
you are a true defenition of a boss lady, in the positive way,
you are a soldier.,
and mama if there is anything , i am here,. for you.
call me and i will be there ,
i love you mama

and never forget that
 i know im not an easy chicka but im glad you stuck by me and never gave up hope,
and now i want you to know im doing the same , im will never leave your side,
i will always have your back.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA
  I LOVE YOU

-NADIA-

God save the Queen

i live in holland. and holland is an monarchy
Begin this year our queen beatrix announced she was stepping down.,
and let her son prins Willem-Alexander, Prince of Orange step up and be king.
On 28 January 2013, Beatrix announced that she will abdicate on 30 April 2013, on (Koninginnedag )(Queen's Day),
tomorow is the historical day , cause its been a while we had a king in this country,
they say its been a century,
so when she announced  the abdication so (some) of the dutch people went nuts,.

but anyways im was not raised to be an monarchy fan, i was raised to be neutral,
my mom raised me to find my own way in life, with religion and monarchy and other stuff.
so i grew up with respect for everyones religions and if you loved the monarchy i respect that to,
do i love the monarchy, mmm i kinda do..im not a screaming fan with mug and posters of them .
i respect the monarchy , cause its been a tradition for god how many years i dont know, centuries i Guess.

but there are also people that truly hate them,
for what reason i dont know, theres only one i hear so much, 
and that is a financial issue, some of the people feel that the royals get to much money and hate the fact that they dont have to pay taxes,
and i Guess its not fair. , but what not many know is how much money the royals bring into the land.
because of all of their visits in diffrent country's  .
there are things done that benefit the Netherlands , financialy, and they try to make us look beter,
cause lets be honest if you think of holland what do you think ,
yes i know clogs and hookers and cheese and windmils,
oke we have those , but we are not only that , we are so much more,
but anyways,
love it or hate it..the monarchy exists,
and im not a fan..but i respect them and thats my opinion and i respect everyone's opinion to,
but anyways..
i wanted to give my respect to the Queen beatrix..
                   GOODBYE Your Majesty

picture of Queen - Beatrix - Foto of : Vincent Mentzel (Rijksmuseum)https://www.rijksmuseum.nl/nl/

#Quotes

TGIF ( THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY)

             theze are screenshots of katy perry's song tgif..its not owned by me.
             the text is put on by me..but all other stuff is by katy perry ,

checking in!!

hi 

im sorry if i am not online much.

im sooo grazy busy, that i dont even know where to start..with some things.

i am workin alot now., Today I started fitness ,

and im trying to pick up my social life., 

so its been quite busy lately.

i dont wanna show off or anything..

i just wanted to let you know im thinkin bout ya :)

and just droppin by to show some love.

i will off cource never stop writing and posting stuff.

i just need to take the time to sit my ass down.,for a sec and chill.,

and well now im sitting her not chilling..tired as hell.,

but still writing from here to you., to let you know whats up!

i hope everything is going ok with you,

and im gonna stop now.

i will be back.

im gonna sit down in the weekend and tryna get online and post some new stuff here,

and i appreciate you for stopping by,

i truly do.

but i gotta go now.

my eyes keep falling down,

im so tired and my head is about to explode(headache)

but anyways.

have a great day.

and see you later

love

& respect

Nadia

THIS ARTWORK IS NOT OWNED BY ME OR MADE BY ME,

IT WAS FOUND ONLINE AT GOOGLE UNDER DEVIANTART

UNDER THE NAME 

http://squeegool.deviantart.com/

its my birthday

Go Go Go Shawty it´s my birthday .
tomorow im gonna be 28..( im feeling old)
this is the first time in yeaaars im looking forward to my birthday.,
im the past they havent been that great.,
but my mother always tried her best to make all my birthdays the best.
so because of her the bad birthdays became great birthdays.
my dad on the other way always messed it up, by yelling at me and my mom and doing other stuff ,
(to painfull to talk about it now)
and my other family on my moms side well when i was a kid they never came,
until me and my mom moved to where the rest of her side of the family lived,
then we celebrated birthdays family style,
UNTILL THE TEENAGE YEARSS!!
then some years they did not show up. or they did not call , no cards no nothing,
and my dad well at my 16th birthday he sends me this card that says..HAPPY 13TH BIRTDAY!!

huh!! i became 16 and not 13.
was he even there when i was made, damn!!!
but anyways..this year is diffrent no more fake ass people in my life,
just me, my mother and my sisters jessica and jennifer..
and my friends.


28 here i  come

Anouk - Birds

singer and great artist anouk she is gonna compete in the eurosong contest with her song birds.

and omgggg ive got goosebumps.,

she is such a great singer.,

i loved her songs from day one.,

usely i love hip hop.
but she is an eception..cause when i was a teenager i used to sing her songs at talentshows.
and i won., 
and i love her music., and i love this artist cause she is pure ..real.
and she is not afraid of speakin her mind and she follows her heart .,
and it sounds dumb but in some artists music you can hear when someone puts their all in it.,
and with her thats it!!
and that whats makes her so good., she is the type of woman you can  see shopping in the local store.
and later performing on stage..and giving the best show ever!
if she reads this that would be awesome..cause i want to let her know that she rocks.,
and i wish her the best., and i truly hope she wins the eurosong contest., 
but anyways..here is the song that she is gonna sing at the eurosong contest.

if you wanna know more about anouk.
then visit her website : http://www.anouk.com/




love
Nadia

ive made a little ajustment to the song
so here it is..                  
                                                    song name : trust

oyeah if you got time visit my youtube ..and add me there..
and go to my twitter and follow me ..if u want..

https://www.youtube.com/nadyah22

https://twitter.com/nadia_ah



                                              this song is called : over when its over