3 years

i haven spoken to my fathers side of the family in like...well more then 10 years..and i havent spoken to my mothers side of the family in 3 years.
i thought they just left us...i thought they abandoned us.

and both side of the family's kinda did.
even if they do not wanna acknowledge it.
3 years i havent spoken to my moms side of the family until...........
Wednesday the 22th of may , i have gotten a text that said.
that my grandmother has had a mild heart attack,

and later that evening my grandmother called me,
and my heart was in my throat..and it was beating so fast.,
cause i havent spoken to this woman for 3 years,
after she did not even call to check how her own daughter ( my mother was doing)
my mom was really sick on my grandmother's birthday 3 years ago,
my mom was and still is in pain ( she has rheumatoid arthritis) and she is in constant pain) so she told my grandmother she was going home.
and i went with my mom to make sure she would get home safe,
my grandmother apparently was pretty pissed off by the fact we did not stay,

my mom said sorry and we left,
NOBODY CALLED TO CHECK HOW SHE WAS DOING NOBODY,
and now they wanna be in contact with us......im confused,
it pissed me off that my grandmother did not even bother to call.
not that day not the day after and not even a week or month after.
we did not hear a thing..
my mom tried to call after 2 weeks ,and she ingnored all of my mothers calls,
and then i called and i got the whole between the line threatment,
talk like this and ment something else..( like forcing you to do what she wants in a sweet granny voice)
and she talked me into a Guilt trip,

and that confused me more then ever.
ook i love my grandmother but i do not want to  be treated as garbage.
and i will not let my mother be treated as garbage also.,
my mother has been treated badly in her youth by her mom and dad,
mostly her mom ,
but my mom chose to forgive and move on, so she did.
all my mom wanted from my grandmother was respect and recognition,
stuff i know now she will never get, like me i want the same things from my dad, 

but like i said somewhere in my heart there is a little piece of me that still loves my grandmother, but the most part has faded,
all i wanted was for my mother to be respected and not to be threated like shit,..and in the end that is what she got shit..!!! and i really wish that was not the care,
my aunts said let it go,
but they will never know the pain my mom and my feel from the things we have been through and the pain we feel of our own blood not making it any easier on us,
all we wanted was love ., and respect ,family,

no we did not want the perfect family, but we wanted to belong,
and instead of belonging to a family we where torn apart by a stubborn woman that does not wanna admit she did wrong ,
me and my mother are not perfect.,but we will NEVER EVER  ignore our mistakes or our flaws,
if someone got hurt by our words we  admit it and appologize,
if someone got hurt by our actions we admit it and again appologize,
we threat people how we wanted to to be threated,
and yes we are still learning, cause we are far from perfect,/
and we will never be, but at least we try to threat people with dignity and respect,

me and my mom have been threated like shit,
we have been through hell and back,
we are still struggling to survive everyday.
im truly sorry for the fact the grandma is not doing well.
and  i truly do not want her to suffer,
but to my family...where were you when we needed you,
and do not come with that ..we thought you did not want contact excuse,
you know beter than that,
when i was little and my dad made my mom and my life hell.
where where you...and dont come with that excuse that she or i pushed ya'll away..there are enough family's that stick together eventho that man does not want it,
yes my father was the one that isolated us ,
we needed help...we needed ya'll...but ya'll where to be found,
but ya'll where having fun on campings and amusement parks,
and me and my mom where living in hell.

so sorry if for once my mom and i are only thinking about ourselfs,

somewhere in our hearts we still love them,
but its time to move on..after all that has been said and done,
we as a family can not be together cause yes we have love..but there is more hate and resentment.
do not think we do not care ..we do..but to be honest when we where down where were ya'll

when i was little my mom almost died.
and nobody was there....nobody..just my asshole dad.
and this man left an 6 year old alone all day long..
and nobody was there..

so again im sorry for what happend with grandma.
and i want her to  live a lonngggg time..and enjoy life,
and we are truly worried...but after 3 years what do ya'll want from us.

we have moved on.

free

i always wanted to help people., and yesterday i had my chance to help in a small way but to me it was huge,
a television program was doing a piece about  divorces where parents fight,
in holland we call it fighting divorces,
so i tweeted my feelings cause ive been through it myself,
and they asked me if they could call, i told then yes sure.,
and they called and i truly wanted to do it..i wanted to be on air telling my story to help out ,
but then i got to thinking about my father. and the man that he is.

this man is a truly scary man.
when i was little he made many threats to my mother and me.,
he was not a nice man.,
he always told my mother if she did not listen he would take me and she would never she me again,

i heard that..and i got scared..and till this day i am 28 and still scared ,

cause there is no telling what this man will do.,

so i told that lady that im sorry and i talked to my mother and it was still not safe for me and my mother to tell our story in public,

and that is also why my face is not shown on this blog,
and i hope you will understand that i dont show my face at this blog or twitter cause of my safety and my mothers safety,
cause this man..who is supost to be my father is a man that you can never tell what he is gonna do,

and im not willing to risk anyones life to do that,
but i wanna tell my story anyways, so that is why you can not see my face,

someday i will let everyone see who i am,
but until that day i will remane anonymous in a way,

cause eventho i am free...somehow i am not free..
i am free to walk where ever i want to go where ever i want,
but to speak freely about my past..is not save for me to do,
that is why i made a choice to stay anonymous for a while,

until its safe for me and my mother,
i felt sooo damn bad and i cried my eyes out when i realized that i was not totally free, 

i denied it most of the time..but this television thing made me realize that after so many years of abuse and threats and violence there is still no safe place to talk about what happend,

i could not hold my tears...i am crying all day long..

for the freedom  ..i have but the freedom i dont have.

-Nadia-

freedom is precious

freedom of speech is fragile and unsave at times.

when i grew up !

when i grew up it was hard, ive been through hell ,
ive seen things a kid my age should not have seen,
and ive been through stuff a kid should not have been going through,
its hard to even think about that, its hard to explain,

kids used to bully me because i was diffrent.
my school in holland was not a great place to be.
thank god i had one close friend ( she is still to this day my bff)
 but the kids where cruel,
some kids told me to go move back to africa, or where ever you came from.
if you look at me , you can tell i am not 100% dutch,
but i do not look dark either, and me looking diffrent made it harder i was a target to some, 
but as i grew older i got peace with the mixed person i am.
i am neither this or that, i told myself when i was little after the bullying, 

I AM BEAUTIFUL…I  AM DIFFRENT..I AM GIRL OF THE WORLD.
  PROUD TO BE MIXED AND DIFFRENT,

but it took me a while to get there and stay at there,

so my dad was not from holland he was the foreigner,
my mom was born in holland, and my parents did not stay together,
they got into so many fights, My father beat me and mother and me regularly , 
you must think why can i say this so easy now.
cause i no longer want this man to controle my life.
he has done so many bad things, he and his brother done so many bad things to others and me and my mother,

there are things that are still hard to tell, 
but as soon as i am ready i will tell my hardest lifestory ever,
but some lifestory’s are easier said then others,
if you have been through so much..you can understand that some lifestory’s are harder to tell then others,
cause it feels like some have a big 100,000,000 km stone on your back,
and you can stand up cause it weighs so much.

and other lifestory’s are easier to tell, 
cause you got to a place of peace,
and you are done with giving that negativity to much power,

and i am at that place where i am done with giving the negativity to much power ,
and im done holding my mouth shut so others that hurt me dont feel hurt or shame.
im done with protecting other people’s feelings and im opening my mouth and telling it like i see it,
cause believe me…i had enough people in my life ( that are not longer a part of my life ) that walked all over me,
and when i wanted to give my opinion they shot me down,

im done with that….2 years ago it was like i was struck by lightning,
i openend my mouth and finally did not let anyone walk over me.

how did that end up..not good.
but i rather be alone then have 100000 of backstabbers in my life,
yeah i know that sounds so sad,

but thank god ive got great true friends and sisters and mother in my life,
the rest of my family of both sides i do not speak to..why??
well im gonna tell you that later,

i gotta go..

ill be back..

thanks for stopping by

-Nadiaah-

freedom ( remember the fallen)